Pat’s Journey
Pat Day-McCray’s personal journey of the life and loss of her daughter, Alicia!
Throughout my lifetime, I have experienced death on several occasions. At the age of seventeen, my first personal experience was when a drunken driver struck our family vehicle during a road trip. I saw the horrifying death of my two younger brothers, who were unable to escape the fiery vehicle. Many years later, after a wonderful Father’s Day church service, I found my dad unresponsive; he passed from a sudden heart attack. Later in life, I was honored to give my mother the best last chapter of her life during her diagnosis of dementia.
However, after my daughter Alicia passed at an early age, her death altered my life completely. Alicia was born beautiful, happy, and healthy. By the time she was one and a half years old, she experienced health issues, which led to her having exploratory surgery. The doctors removed over 90 percent of her intestines after discovering gangrenous. The physicians told me that she would have to be fed intravenously for the rest of her life. She then had to wear a colostomy bag and a broviac catheter inserted for her daily feedings. Her diagnosis was “Short Bowel Syndrome (SBS).”
Periodically, Alicia’s catheter would clog, and she would sometimes have to undergo surgery to replace it if this happened. One morning as Alicia lay in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit (PICU) recuperating after surgery, she went into cardiac arrest. Later, an EEG confirmed she had lapsed into a coma, and remained comatose for the remaining ten months of her life. She died just four months shy of her fourth birthday.
My grief after Alicia’s death differed from my brother’s; perhaps it was my denial in accepting that Alicia was gone forever! Her death shattered my hopes and dreams of our future together. I structured my entire life around Alicia and making her happy. The feelings and thoughts of loneliness and not knowing how to live without Alicia were unsettling. My life was dreamlike, and I struggled to awaken from this nightmare ‘every day.’ All I know is I wanted my baby back! I felt pain, but I could not touch it. In conversations, my thoughts drifted toward my inner voices. Even when people surrounded me, I was still alone. No one understood the depth of loneliness, pain, and sorrow I was experiencing after the death of Alicia—my firstborn and my only child at the time.
I spent years hiding my grief and pretending I was okay. My sorrow, filled with the emotional suffering of anger, resentment, and unforgiveness, prevented me from moving forward with my life. I was exhausted! I eventually chose to confront the grief that was absorbing my power and ability to make decisions about my future. Facing my emotional pain and being honest with myself was extremely hard, yet, it was the best decision I ever made!
After overcoming the anger, depression, and guilt associated with losing Alicia, I spent years researching the family dynamics around communication between mothers and physicians, a mother’s grief, and the emotional development of children. I established several businesses and services to support mothers, children, and communities by connecting with my spirituality.
Today, I am honored to be a Grief Coach, certified through the International Coaching Federation (ICF). I am the CEO and Founder of PDM Journey Coaching. I specialize in supporting mothers with children in intensive care units due to a chronic illness or life-threatening circumstances and supporting those mothers experiencing grief after losing their children.
I am the CEO and Founder of A Pathway From Grief. In this not-for-profit organization, I support underserved and underprivileged African American women dealing with the grief of their young children and parenting skills and techniques to help eliminate emotional and physical abuse and premature deaths within black children.
I am also the CEO and Founder of Medically Inspired Reading About Challenging Life Experiences (MIRACLE) Online Bookstore. I supply a customized book genre that explains and introduces real-life medical illnesses, conditions, and circumstances to children. MIRACLE promotes and encourages accepting those considered “different,” builds self-esteem, and reduces bullying and suicide among our children. Lastly, my patent-owned invention for Therapeutic Dolls allows children to understand before and after surgical procedures encouraging them to become participants in their healthcare at young ages.
I am grateful to God for my entire journey, and I feel chosen and honored to use my life experiences to support mothers and children.